Anger by Darylynn Starr Rank

Anger.  Kid's anger.  Adult's anger.  Parent's anger at kids.  Kids' anger at parents.   An endless spiraling, circling, sometimes swamp-like, sometimes-crystalizing process.  It's part of life.  It's part of being human.  It's certainly part of the family circle (probably each and every day…).

There are the predictable little reasons.  The kids haven't done their chores, or come home on time, or finished their homework.  Mom didn't remember the letter she was supposed to write for school.  Dad yelled at Janet for forgetting to walk the dog - when it was Mark's turn to do it.  How unfair is that? 

Then there are the heavy-duty reasons which we don't need to go into here.  The more serious stuff.  It's awful and difficult and painful, but still part of the process.

Anger has many complex roles in our lives.  Partly it's how we manage the world. It gives important information about what's going on.  Partly it's how we communicate that a point is important.  Like hitting the BOLD icon on the computer - 'listen to this, it matters!'  Partly it's a visceral response to fear or hurt or worry.  'Where were you until two o'clock in the morning?'

But sometimes - sometimes it's an act of courage, and pain, and honor. And it provides the shocking knowledge of just how much your children know and absorb and learn from you.

My best friend's fourteen-year-old son is a case in point.  My best friend's parents are awful.  Seriously awful.  Dangerously awful.  So she won't let her children near them. 

Recently they sent her an e-mail, really cruel, angry and aggressive.  When she read it, the first thing she did was cry.  She didn't get in touch with her anger until a few days later, in a late night rant with her husband. 

But - in the meantime - her son saw the e-mail. 

And he sent his own e-mail to his grandparents in reply, without her knowledge.  He said all of the things she'd said days later during her rant.  About how cruel they'd been in their e-mail.  About how they hurt their daughter. That his parents would never dream of treating him that way.

When my friend finally saw the e-mail her son had sent she was dreadfully upset.  So of course she sat down with him to have a talk.  She asked him why he'd sent it. "Because it's true," he answered.  "And I got angry." 

They talked about a lot of things that day.  And they both learned some lessons.

Anger's an amazing thing.  Very powerful.  Useful and good, dangerous and bad. The struggle is always to deal with it appropriately.  To cope with it without doing damage.  To recognize it and use it to help steer your way. 
And to remember always that children are like little sponges who hear it and feel it all.  And who will follow your lead… with precision and enthusiasm.

So?  What to do?

Number one, know that we have to teach children about emotions, all emotions, the same way we teach them about reading and writing and crossing the street - and they'll almost certainly use it more! 

And number two?  We first gotta know how to do it ourselves before we can teach them anything!

Take care, all.

Darylynn Starr Rank (psychologist/writer) works part-time for Family Services of Greater Vancouver as a group facilitator. Her articles appear bi-weekly in The Record (New Westminster) and the Richmond Review.

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