Children - by Darylynn Starr Rank
January, 2007

Happy New Year everyone.  I hope you loved, or survived, the holidays, whichever is most appropriate.  I’ve heard lots of stories about how everyone copes, and heard many wonderful versions of how parents deal with their children, in all sorts of circumstances.

Here’s an interesting one.

A friend of mine is a single – working – mother, a phrase that seems to go together these days.  She has a seven-year-old daughter (who’s quite adorable by the way – just in case she’s reading this.).  Anyway, my friend was going nuts every single weekday morning.  And her adorable daughter was going nuts as well.

They had to wake up early, of course.  The daughter had to get ready for school – get dressed, find homework, untangle long thick locks of hair.  Her mother had to get ready for work, get dressed, check e-mail to make sure the office hadn’t fallen apart in the wee hours of the morning; make breakfast for the two of them, drive to school, drive to work, etc. etc.  All by 8:00 in the morning.

Now, my friend is far from a morning person: grumpy, tired, wanting to go back to sleep.  And her daughter (Surprise! Surprise!) is exactly the same.  Both of them do way better after noon.  So these two grumpy, sleepy females found themselves maneuvering through an escalating series of arguments every day.

Mom yelling for daughter to get out of bed, brush her teeth, get dressed, all the while trying to do the same for herself and make breakfast at the same time.  Daughter whining pathetically that she was just too tired, leave her alone, stop yelling at her. 

Sound familiar?  Of course it does. 

Their fights got worse and worse, and the mornings got later and later.  Breakfast was eaten haphazardly and with little grace.

Until they sat down to talk. 

Mom:  “I hate yelling at you every morning.  But we have to get up and go.  And you’re just too slow.  We’re always late!”

Daughter:  “I hate you yelling at me every morning.  But I hate getting up and rushing even more.  I really, really, really hate rushing like we do.”

Mom:  “You hate the rushing?”

Daughter:  “I hate the rushing!”

Mom:  “So you think you’d be happier if you didn’t have to rush?” 

Daughter:  “Way happier.  I want to relax, and go slow.”

Mom:  “Oh.”  So she thought about that for a minute.  Wondered if it were true, or if her daughter would simply hate getting up and getting ready for school no matter what. 

Then she made the amazing decision to trust what her daughter had said.

“Okay,” she said.  “Well, let’s give this a try.  We’ll set your alarm clock for a half hour earlier.  And you can do whatever you want.  I’ll continue to get up at the regular time.  What do you think?”

“Well,” the seven-year-old responded, “I don’t really want to get up earlier, but I don’t want to rush either.  So, okay.”

Guess what?  The arguments stopped.  Just like that.  My friend’s daughter gets up earlier, but then just lies around, plays with her toys, maybe watches TV a little.  Then she gets dressed (on time!) and comes into breakfast (also on time!).  Then they eat.  Together. 

 And nobody fights, or whines, or complains.  Well, not that much anyway.  And neither of them is late!

Ah, communication.  Even with a seven-year-old.  It’s worth a try.

Take care, all.

Darylynn Starr Rank (psychologist/writer) works part-time for Family Services of Greater Vancouver as a group facilitator. Her articles appear bi-weekly in The Record (New Westminster) and the Richmond Review.

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