Counselling in the Chinese Community - by Darylynn Starr Rank
May, 2005

The other day I was speaking with Pauline Szeto about counselling services in the Chinese community in the Lower Mainland. I was curious what the differences are between counselling in the Canadian Caucasian culture and the Canadian Chinese culture.

Pauline, a Chinese Canadian herself, started out by saying that instead of getting directly into “counselling” on emotional and practical issues (as she might with other groups), for Chinese audiences the best approach is to give lectures on specific topics of interest: marriage enrichment, for example. In her lectures, she talks about what happens in relationships. What one hopes to feel in a marriage. What is expected. How one makes it work, and so on.  

She often compares these expectations to attitudes towards finances. People work hard to earn money, to save money, and figure out the best way to invest it. Only then does she lower the psychological boom and suggests that marriage, or any relationship really, is exactly the same. You have to work at it, and think about it, and earn it. You have to figure out the best strategies and try them out.

She talks about learning how to make emotional connections, and spending time together, and communication, of course. (When does anybody in the field, including me, ever not talk about communication!) And she talks about the misperception many people have that it’s all supposed to come naturally. And how that’s not exactly true. (To say the least!)

And then she discusses the role of counselling in helping couples accomplish these things. 

She also often lectures about adjusting to all the changes that occur when Chinese immigrants move to B.C. About the husband who had a high-status job, supervising a large staff, when he lived in Hong Kong. But now his job barely pays the bills and he’s at home a lot taking care of the children. And of course he doesn’t exactly know how, so he’s not very good at it yet. About the wife who’s a flight attendant so she’s out of town a fair amount. 

This situation is difficult for the husband’s self-respect, and anxiety-producing for the wife. Pauline then suggests that counselling might really help them through the transition.

Her goal is to deliver the message that “everybody has problems, but how you cope with problems is the key.”  She wants people to have more choices in how they feel, how they express themselves, how they see themselves, and what they do. 

But the problem is, she explained, that it’s extremely difficult it for many people in the Chinese community to relate to the idea of counselling. They’ve been accustomed to dealing with problems on their own. 

In this culture, people only go to counselling when the debris hits the air-conditioner, so to speak. When things get very, very bad. Extreme, really. When you’re having serious problems that are spiraling out of control.

In the Chinese culture, you manage on your own. 

You don’t expose your private family problems to outsiders. 

You suck it up and cope.

No whining allowed.

And there is still some stigma attached to going to a therapist. (Though that is starting to change.)

Where have I heard all this before? The answer is everywhere! Though clearly to a greater or lesser degree from community to community.

Pauline’s methods help especially when there’s even more misunderstanding of what counselling is about – when needing it is seen as being weak, instead of just getting another type of professional service (like for your finances).

So I’m hoping this new way of thinking about counselling continues, for all of us. And asking for ‘help’ stops being a dirty word. For all of us.

Take care, all.

Darylynn Starr Rank (psychologist/writer) works part-time for Family Services of Greater Vancouver as a group facilitator. Her articles appear bi-weekly in The Record (New Westminster) and the Richmond Review.

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