Effective Parenting - by Darylynn Starr Rank
August, 2005

I’m going to start today’s column with a story about elephants. (What could be more relevant????) I saw a documentary a while back about an area in Africa that was suddenly beset by a group of what they referred to as “rogue” elephants.  They were, quite uncharacteristically, wandering the countryside killing other animals. Lots of animals. They were also breaking down fences of local farms and going much too close to people’s homes—again, uncharacteristically.

Well, to some of those people, the solution was obvious. They picked up their rifles and went hunting the rogues, intending to kill them. But, the cavalry sounded its bugles, and along came a naturalist to save the day. And the elephants!

He explained that a group of young elephants had been removed from their families because of overpopulation, and had been moved into this new area. The problem was that these males, now grown to adolescence, had been taken away from their parents before they’d been properly socialized.

The naturalist’s solution was to bring a few adult male elephants into the problem area. They quickly showed they wouldn’t put up with any shenanigans from the teenagers! Within a few short months, the problem disappeared. No more “rogues”. No killing other animals. No wrecked fields..

Wow, good parenting really does make a difference! 

I have a friend (who just had a baby girl) with whom I’ve had good-natured arguments about nature vs. nurture for at least a hundred years. (Or maybe it just feels that way.) The other day we were discussing her childhood. She’s committed to the idea that she is just naturally passive. She doesn’t stand up for herself, she gives in all the time to other people’s opinions, because that’s just “who she is”. While her older sister, on the other hand, isn’t! 

She told me about a scene she remembers vividly. There’s even a photograph. My friend (three-ish) and her oldest sister (seven-ish) were sitting on the sofa when their baby cousin tried to crawl up on to it. Her sister pushed the baby down ‘til she landed on the floor, crying. My friend just sat staring passively off into space.  

“See, that’s clearly nature,” my friend told me. “I was three, and already really passive. It’s just who I am.”

“Who you were after three years of being bullied by your older sister,” I said. “You learned well. So did she.”

“She didn’t learn anything! She’s just naturally that way, and so am I. It’s got nothing to do with parenting.”

“No? Well,” I asked, smiling sweetly, “if your own daughter pushed someone that same way, what would you do?”

“Uh, well, I’d teach her to be less aggressive. I’d tell her to be nicer, I guess.”

“Uh-huh. And if it were your own child who couldn’t stand up for herself against a bully?”

“Uh, oh, all right. I’d teach her stuff. And encourage her. Make her feel safe!”

“In other words, you’d parent her!”

“Darn you . . . But it’s true, my folks didn’t parent me very much at all, actually.”

“So now it’s your turn, and you get to do it better. By the way, isn’t it nice that I get to use you lovely little infant against you in these discussions now?…”

My friend just gave me a dirty look.

But, seriously, I don’t think it’s nature versus nurture. It’s the interaction between the two. Learning to take care of your children so that you make the most and the best of the nature they’re born with is what loving parenting is all about.  After all, if even elephants can figure it out . . .

Take care, all.

Darylynn Starr Rank (psychologist/writer) works part-time for Family Services of Greater Vancouver as a group facilitator. Her articles appear bi-weekly in The Record (New Westminster) and the Richmond Review.

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