Independence- by Darylynn Starr Rank
May, 2006

There’s a magic word in the English language. But I’m not going to tell you what it is quite yet. It’s an odd word, because it seems to fly in the face of an ongoing struggle between two opposing sides. Two other words. 

Well, only sort of two sides, actually. The way it’s usually put makes it seem that there’s only one ‘good’ side. One good word. The proper approach to life, to raising children, to being a man, or being a powerful women, a 21st Century woman.  That word is ‘independence’. 

You’ve got to teach your children to be independent.  Don’t coddle them. Don’t over-protect them. (While keeping them safe, of course.) 

We adults are obviously supposed to be independent. Stand on our own two feet.  Be “our own person”. 

The bad word in the discussion is the other one, the ‘d’ word. Being ‘dependent’ is one of the worst things you supposedly can be. Even toddlers are supposed to be encouraged to stand on their own. Only if you’re an infant is it still okay to depend on people. 

If you’re not an infant, however, it’s what you get accused of at the first sign of dependent behaviour. “Stop being such a baby“, you’re told if you don’t like to do something alone. Or if you cry when you’re hurt. Or if you ask for reassurance for something you’re scared about.

Sunday I was out rowing in English Bay during an unusually low-tide. On one of the tall wooden towers that mark the edge of the sandbank, I was surprised to see several mounds of large purple starfish, a dozen or so per group, clinging to the pilings. I’m not sure what they were doing, but they were certainly doing it together, piled together and completely tangled up as one. 

There’s nothing unusual about seeing animals gathered together—flocks of birds, schools of fish, packs of dogs, hills full of ants. Nothing odd about forests of trees, fields of flowers, masses of ground covers tangling together. Perfectly normal to see groups of kids playing, adults working together, families on outings, teams on the field. 

I’m stating the obvious, right? We all – people, and other animals, and plants, and stars, and planets, cells, and atoms – are always engaging with each other, interacting, living. Interdependently. (That’s the word I was talking about!)

It’s how the world works. 

But when was the last time you heard someone say, “I’d like to be more interdependent.”  Or, “humans are inherently interdependent.”  For heavens sakes, when was the last time you even heard the word, period.  Interdependent. It even looks odd.

Many of us try to be as independent as possible. We attack all signs of the hated and feared ‘dependency’ idea.

But the bottom line is the universe and everything in it isn’t independent at all. All creatures, and even most non-living things, truly are interdependent. Not alone.  Not isolated. All needing help from each other. Every nanosecond of the day. And that’s a wonderful thing. It’s how the universe and everybody in it survives. Even flourishes. And the thing I find most odd is what an invisible word ‘interdependence’ seems to be.

So I declare this column my ode to the glory of our interdependence.

Take care, all.

Darylynn Starr Rank (psychologist/writer) works part-time for Family Services of Greater Vancouver as a group facilitator. Her articles appear bi-weekly in The Record (New Westminster) and the Richmond Review.

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