Parenting Toddlers by Darylynn Starr Rank

I recently gave a workshop on coping with stress for parents of young children. Hey, it’s not like you have to go searching for sources of that stress. 

I start these programs almost like a comedy routine. I have everybody rate their level of stress from 1 to 5  on a little scale I draw on the board –where 1 is ‘Who, me? Nah.’, and 5 is ‘Oh, my gosh!’ (or something like that). 

After everyone has filled out the scale (parents of young children hardly ever rate their stress as under 4), I ask each person how many children they have and what ages they are.  Then I point to the scale and point to the number of children and back to the scale.  Aha, the source of stress quickly becomes apparent!

Then we start making individual lists of the stresses each person experiences.  Next we explore those stresses as a group.

And almost alwayspractically every timeat least one major stress has to do with, “I’m just not doing it right.”  This whole parenting thing. 

One young woman, who was simply devastated by her supposed failure, exclaimed about her inability to not say ‘No’.  She explained earnestly how every single book she’d read on child rearing instructed parents not to use the word ‘No’ with their young children. 

It’s true.  The books do indicate that.  We’ve even discussed this in one of my earlier columns.  Remember the child banging on the glass table with a knife?  An expert on childrearing did indeed suggest that ‘No’ wasn’t, in fact, the best way of dealing with it.  She suggested acknowledging the child’s desire to bang on something, presenting alternatives such as banging on the floor, and so on.

Well, every time this young mother’s child did something that was not okay, she tried not to use the word ‘No’.  She validated and distracted, presented opportunities for all sorts of alternatives, did what she could to avoid the unmentionable word.  But – oh, my goodness – guess what? 

You got it.  Sometimes the word slipped out anyway.  Sometimes she was tired.  Or busy.  Or out of ideas.  Or time.  Or even simply out of patience.  And she said, ‘No.’  Even yelled it sometimes.  And she felt awful, just absolutely awful,  as if she were the worst mother in the world. 

Guilty.  Inadequate.  Unacceptable.  And she was practically pleading for more suggestions on how to avoid saying it.  How to get it right. 

And it stressed the heck out of her. 

Now, obviously, no single rule applies in every situation.  Saying no is sometimes both necessary and important.

But even in situations where it is appropraite to avoid saying ‘No” or when following any specific childrearing style, sometimes you’ll slip up.  Everyone does.

None of us, not one single one of us, is perfect.  And we never will be.  

Take care, all.

Darylynn Starr Rank (psychologist/writer) works part-time for Family Services of Greater Vancouver as a group facilitator. Her articles appear bi-weekly in The Record (New Westminster) and the Richmond Review.

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