Relationships - by Darylynn Starr Rank
October, 2004

Relationships. Gotta be one of the most difficult, terrifying, wonderful, life-changing, yearned for, avoided, joyful, fun, miserable, hard, exciting…   Do I need to go on? You probably get the idea. Relationships are everything. Or nothing.  Great or lousy. But definitely complicated. Almost always!

Now what I’m saying is probably true for all relationships. Kids, parents, friends, colleagues, all of them. But today I’m talking mainly about ‘the’ relationship. That special romantic (or not romantic enough…), unique (or too ordinary…), exciting (boring?). Stop!  I gotta stop. The bottom line is that today I’m talking about that special relationship.  The love of your life, or who you hope will be the love of your life.

So what can we look at? Why don’t we look at some of the numerous questions about them. How do they happen?  How do you choose? How do you know they are the one? How do you know which ones to avoid? Or when you’re ready? The questions are pretty obvious. But, obviously, the answers are less so.

Well, there is a bunch of research that suggests that one of the really critical issues is similarity. So you may be happier if the two of you like the same kinds of recreational activities as your beloved, the same kinds of sports or movies, dancing or music. Or if you have the same politics or ethics or views of the world. Kelly Kennedy, who works in the relationship area, talks of similar core values.
 
But then, because human beings are such complicated creatures (remember how I already mentioned that relationships are complicated), another bunch of research says that complementarity is crucial, too. Depending on the topic. So talkers may be better off if they’re involved with someone who likes to listen more. Sociable types tend to get along well with less sociable types. Or shy and not shy. It’s as if they balance each other out. Makes sense if you think about it.  Two people who want to talk all the time may run into trouble.

So if you look at the research you might want to consider what the important factors are in a potential ‘significant other’.  What characteristics you want a match on. With which characteristics you want to have a balance. 

And, of course, what important things you want to avoid.

But I’ll tell you about this one other factor that I think determines a lot.  It’s not something I learned from the research.

It was something a realtor said to my husband and me when we were looking to buy a house. We were talking about what we were looking for in the place we wanted to buy. His comments went something like this.

‘Make your list,’ he said, ‘of all the things you want in a house, where it should be, how big, how bright, what it should look like. You know, anything that’s important to you. Then we’ll go looking. And you should keep track. Write it down.  This house has this part of what we want. That house has this other thing. Or it doesn’t have – whatever.
 
But then the day will come when you walk into a house that’s really a bit too small, or too old-fashioned, or too far away. But still. There’s just something…. 

‘And you’ll put your pad down, forgotten, on the nearest table, and buy that home you were meant to buy.’

I’m afraid, or thrilled, that with relationships it happens exactly that way all too often. 

Oops, I almost forgot.  It’s my anniversary this week. Happy anniversary, hon.

Take care all.

Darylynn Starr Rank (psychologist/writer) works part-time for Family Services of Greater Vancouver as a group facilitator. Her articles appear bi-weekly in The Record (New Westminster) and the Richmond Review.

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