Single Moms - by Darylynn Starr Rank
March, 2006

“I get to relax. My son gets to relax. And I can be myself.”

Sounds so simple. Such a nice image, too, isn’t it?

But it’s far more than that for a lot of single mothers of small children, including the mum I’ve quoted above. It’s a precious experience, and a rare occurrence in their lives.

Imagine it. You have a little child, one or two or three, or maybe a new baby; or, on the other side of hectic, a four or five year old who’s getting very busy and independent. 

But there is no partner around to pick up some of the load. There’s at least a good chance the finances are a distinct “challenge”, to put it politely. There’s also a chance that that “village” which is supposed to help you raise your child is less than a perfect place. If it’s even there at all. 

So you take care of your child or children as best you can. Alone. You juggle the kids, the house, possibly (or even probably) an outside job. If so, that means you grapple with finding proper care for the kids, which is often its own exquisite kind of challenge. You struggle. Let me repeat.

You struggle.

Every – single – minute!

It’s just so hard. 

Society has plenty of judgments about it, too. Why you’re a single mum. What you did wrong. Whose fault it is.  (Anybody want to guess???)

So you’re alone, overwhelmed, isolated, and ashamed. 

Or maybe you’re actually one of the lucky ones. Things aren’t nearly so bad. Money’s somewhat okay. There’s family around. It’s just that you’re a single mom. 

In either version, and every situation in between, it would be great “to just relax” once in a while.  To let your child “relax”.  And to have that moment to be yourself.

And to do it with other people who know, to some extent, what it is to be you. To get support from them. Advice. A place to complain. To laugh at some of the things you’re dealing with. To cry, maybe.  

Or just sit back and be. 

While some other lovely person is in the next room entertaining your children. Hanging out with other kids who are in the same situation. Growing up with a single mum. It’s gotta be good for them too, no? Knowing they’re not the only ones.  Watching their mums reach out for support. Learning that’s a good thing to do.

Groups can accomplish amazing things. Even for people who “aren’t joiners”. For those of us who feel too shy, or, on the other side, too independent… We all, all, all need support. 

And groups for single mothers accomplish wonderful tasks, for mothers and for kids. They’re part of providing that village.

Take care, all.

Darylynn Starr Rank (psychologist/writer) works part-time for Family Services of Greater Vancouver as a group facilitator. Her articles appear bi-weekly in The Record (New Westminster) and the Richmond Review.

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