Positive Parenting by Darylynn Starr Rank

How many times have you heard the phrase, or at least the sentiment, 'Oh, jeez, my mom is sooooo embarrassing. I can't believe she did that.'  Or 'Daddy, how could you? Especially in front of my friends?!!?' Followed by a rush to the bedroom and the loud crash of a slammed door. And how many times do you remember feeling it about your own parents? 

My bet is we all know what I'm talking about. Even sitcoms on television love making a big deal about it.  Whether it's as simple as the little boy wriggling away from his mother (usually the star of the show) when she drops him off and insists on a big goodbye kiss and hug - in front of everyone. Or the teenage daughter who throws a party and Dad/Bill Cosby insists on dancing the twist with her  friends.

But today's column is dedicated to the other side of that equation. One you hardly ever hear anyone talk about.  That's when your kids embarrass you. Utterly. Completely. And you are left standing there, helplessly.

For example (all example are true stories, suitably disguised): your child's taste in clothes. There you are trying to be the most respectful parent you can be. Allowing your six year old to feel independent and in control. Allowing her to make decisions for herself. Just the way you're supposed to. And what does she decide to wear? Blue and green polka dot pants. A red and yellow striped blouse. Purple shoes. And she feels so incredibly proud of herself for putting together such a lovely outfit for her best friend's birthday party. So you swallow your pride, and let her go. Just the way she wants to. 

While you completely ignore your own feelings. Such as, ignoring the fact that her best friend's mother is one of the most fashionably dressed women you've ever met. And knows it! And makes you feel like a schlub when you see her on your way back from the gym and you're inevitably dressed in your sweats. While you completely ignore that (or try to…).

Or what about when it's time to teach your younger children all about their body. When your son notices that his little sister looks different from him. When, remembering all the books you've read about being open and respectful with your kids, you caringly explain to him the anatomical differences between little girls and little boys, using the proper words, just the way you're supposed to. Then, one day when his great-grandmother, great-grandfather and (inevitably) both your parents are visiting, he turns to his great-grandmother (about 80 at this point) and, with all eyes and ears on him asks, "Great-grandma, which 'one' do you have…" and uses all those 'proper' words you've taught him so well.

Once more you endure. Smiling weakly, bravely. Your parents have been on your case since before your first child was born about being so 'liberal'. All those 'new ideas' you have about parenting. Tsk tsk. You've had it now.

Not to mention all the tantrums the little ones throw at just the wrong moment. In front of just the wrong people. Like at your office picnic. Dealing with personal issues with colleagues can be awkward at the best of times. But feeling like your parenting skill is being called into question by your boss because your kid is completely out of control can be devastating. And all you can do is calmly respond in the most saint-like way you can manage. 

Who ever thought being a parent would take this kind of courage. The courage to do the right thing for your child, in the best way you can do it, and swallow whatever remnants of pride you have left.

I salute every one of you.

Take care, all.

Darylynn Starr Rank (psychologist/writer) works part-time for Family Services of Greater Vancouver as a group facilitator. Her articles appear bi-weekly in The Record (New Westminster) and the Richmond Review.

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